Title: Married by 9, Divorced by 5
Part 2: Ring Before Spring (or My Mother Will Disown Me)
Fake engagement rule #1:
Never tell your mother.
Fake engagement rule #2:
ESPECIALLY don't tell your immigrant, romantically unhinged, chai-obsessed mother who’s been manifesting your wedding since the day you learned to walk straight.
Guess what Bentley did by 8 a.m.?
I stormed in like a caffeinated raccoon, flinging open the glass door.
“You. Called. My. Mother.”
Bentley, innocent as ever, looked up from his laptop. “Oh yay! Morning, wife.”
“Don’t wife me, you snitchy little corgi. Why would you call Amma?!”
He looked genuinely confused. “Because… she sent you 11 missed calls titled ‘Are You Dead?’ and I panicked?”
“You could’ve texted her back! Instead you told her we’re engaged?!”
Bentley leaned back, hands behind his head, full smug mode activated. “Relax, Lila. I was charming. She likes me.”
“That’s the problem!”
He blinked. “Wait… is this the first time she’s liked someone you brought home?”
I inhaled sharply. “First of all, I’ve never brought anyone home. Because Amma thinks if a man blinks near me, it means we’ve eloped and she has to order wedding bangles.”
Bentley grinned. “So what you're saying is—I'm her favorite son-in-law already?”
“I’m saying if you die mysteriously tonight, don’t ask questions.”
Tuesday, 12:12 p.m. | Lunch Break That Was Actually a War Strategy Meeting
We sat across from each other at Bao Baby, the tiny Asian-fusion spot where I usually come to cry in the dumplings. Now, it was our battlefield.
“I created a spreadsheet,” I said, sliding my phone across the table.
Bentley stared at the screen. “You made a whole fake marriage timeline?”
“I made tabs,” I said proudly. “One for ‘Public Appearances’, one for ‘Plausible Romantic Gestures’, and one for ‘Things You Absolutely Cannot Say to My Mother.’”
He squinted. “What’s wrong with saying, ‘I like spicy food’?”
I rolled my eyes. “To Amma, that means you want seven children and are ready to move in with her.”
He shuddered. “Terrifying.”
“You’re the one who called her, Mr. Biryani-Bait.”
He grinned at the nickname like it was a medal. “You have to admit, we’re kinda good at this fake thing.”
“Oh, for sure,” I said sarcastically. “Every real couple files expense reports together and argues about Excel color-coding.”
He laughed. “It’s romantic! Nothing says love like conditional formatting.”
I blinked at him.
Was it suddenly hot in this dumpling shop?
HR’s Worst Nightmare
“Why are you holding hands?”
“Because I’m committed to our fake intimacy, Denise.”
“Bentley, she’s literally threatening to staple you.”
“It’s how she flirts.”
“I WILL staple him.”
“See?”
Tuesday, 6:47 p.m. | The ‘Soft Launch’ Disaster
“I told you not to tag me!” I shrieked, staring at his Instagram like it was a crime scene.
Bentley, sprawled on his couch like the world’s most dangerous golden retriever, looked unfazed. “It’s not a hard launch. It’s a soft launch. Look—just a picture of our hands holding matcha lattes with the caption: ‘Her taste in drinks is better than her taste in men 💚 #engagedbutconfused’.”
“People think I have a sense of humor now. This is RUINING my reputation.”
He laughed. “You love it.”
I kinda did.
BUT I REFUSED TO ADMIT THAT UNDER THE LAWS OF FEMINISM™️.
My phone rang. Amma calling.
I sighed. Here we go.
“Hello?”
“Lila…” Her voice was suspiciously soft. Too soft. Soft like… she’d bought wedding saris already. “This Bentley boy…”
“What about him?” I asked, bracing myself.
“He sent me flowers.”
I looked up at the ceiling. “Of course he did.”
“He wrote a card that said: ‘Thank you for raising a feminist icon. I’ll try to be worthy.’”
I slammed my head into my couch.
“Beta…” she continued dreamily. “You better marry this boy before I do.”
Texting the Enemy
Lila: YOU SENT MY MOTHER FLOWERS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Bentley 🐶💰: Just being respectful 😇
Lila: SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO FRAME YOUR HANDWRITING.
Bentley 🐶💰: Is that a red flag orrrrr is she just my #1 fan?
Lila: STOP BEING LIKABLE.
Bentley 🐶💰: Never 😎 goodnight, wifey 💍
Lila: I hope your pillow is slightly warm all night and your phone charger breaks.
Bentley 🐶💰: Love you too 😘
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